Resolutions
posted by Riyaffs on September 22nd, 2022 at 6:38AM

Have you ever been through something really bad and thought you might not be the same after it? Like it better kill you because when it's over you won't be a human anymore. I've been through lots of such times. And thankfully or maybe unfortunately I can't remember what those were. With some effort I'd be able to remember. But I won't try. They all involve my dad. He's not the same chameleon he is in the moment. The lying fuck he's been all week or all month. It angers me so much inside to see him so different now when a month ago he was telling me he'd kill me. God I wish he and his bitch and everyone and everything he loves(he doesn't love a thing) dies forever. He will never be genuine. Lol sad fuck. So pathetic. I don't know how to punish him. And how to make him feel as bad as I've felt all my life. It's inhuman to put another human through bad shit. And similarly when you're going through inhuman shit you won't feel like a human. Is that why I struggle to act like one now? It's hard to be convinced that I can actually go ahead and experience a human life without fear. Because the last one million times didn't work out. I remember him beating me up when I tried to be happy. Well he's not here now, but I'm still scared. And actually kind of fucking angry too. Now they act like I'm mysteriously weird and not like other people. WHY DID THEY NOT TREAT ME LIKE I WAS ONE OF THE FUCKING PEOPLE THEY ALWAYS COMPARE ME WITH??? No, something is just so fucking mysteriously wrong me hahahaha. Geeeeeee maybe I was born angry and resentful 'cause that totally makes more sense than when I always scream about the fucking shitty childhood and teenage life and even fucking adult life I've had. I want to and I will enjoy life properly. One day. Or maybe it'll always be tainted. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ACT LIKE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. OH, WHY DO YOU LAY IN BED, SO MUCH TO DO YOU'RE SO YOUNG. Okay well, there is a lot to do not gonna fucking lie. So this is what you do. You tell them your problems. You tell them why you lay in bed and not go out and be the young person you are. Then these FAGGOTS will tell you to leave the past behind. Or they'll leave you lying in bed. Either way they'll reveal their faggotness and leave you alone. And if you're like me, you'll fall asleep or cry and mindlessly draw something. And soon it'll be night and then the next day. And in between you'll talk to some people and get mad at some and will love maybe one or two. All this doesn't sound too bad. Living like this isn't the worst even if it's very empty and kinda sad. But it can be worse. I don't know if I can fix how I always feel now. But hopefully other nasty fucking people feel worse than I do. Hopefully they're more lonely and more miserable. Maybe my dad also avoids thinking about the past like I do. Maybe it's equally hard to look back on your fuckups. Don't worry, I'll make you think about them. I'll mention it when they remember the fun times they thought they had when I was a baby. And when they call me on my birthday. Ill ruin all their fake happy memories. I want to leave their nasty fucking spiderweb. Fucking spiders. Fucking gaslighters. Fucking non-humans. Trying to pollute the fucking planet with their dishonesty. And then maybe I'll finally feel like the 5 year old or the 12 year old right before she was hit for trying to enjoy life like she SHOULDVE. At least im not crazy enough to sympathize with his impending old age and death. He's finally entering the most appropriate and well deserved phase in his life. Helpless, pathetic, lonely old age. Enjoy it old man. I will be talking to you on our next phone call. It won't be fun.

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